Sierras of Madrid

Blue, here's a shell for you

"Well there are so many sinking now,
You've got to keep thinking
You can make it through these waves".

I feel like I've been stuck under water for the past few days, struggling for air. If I am sent back to California I will feel completely incomplete and useless and frustrated and terrible and guilty and embarrassed and SAD so so sad. But what else can I do at this point besides wait? I have apologized my heart out, explained over and over again, admitted to my mistakes, promised to change, and yet I still feel like they expect something more. What do you want??? I AM HUMAN. I am irresponsible at times, I make bad decisions, I am flawed, I'm very imperfect, I am learning-I AM HUMAN.

I don't know how to enjoy the happiest season of the year with this weighing in the back of my mind every single second of the day.

P.S. Something funky happened to my first batch of fisheye film, but here's a few pictures at least.

Cold hands, warm heart

I wonder, does absence really make the heart grow fonder? Or is that just some lousy phrase to make lonely hearts feel comforted? Well I guess it all depends. In some ways I appreciate nostalgia. It gives me a warm feeling to remember past comforts. And I refuse to believe that those same comforts can’t be discovered again and renewed. I don’t believe anything is lost forever, sometimes you just have to work extra hard to find it again.

This weekend was nice. Friday Lucy and I explored a new part of Madrid and found a few exciting nooks that we'll be revisiting. Saturday I stayed in Eurovillas. There was a good group of people about and someone brought a guitar to the center and we had sing-a-longs. Somehow I ended up alone singing "Wonderwall" by Oasis. But, despite having accomadated a pair of gloves and extra scarf from the kind Spanish folk, the cold was too much for me to handle and I called it quits at 3am.

It's Sunday afternoon. 7 degrees (celsius) and I’m longing for sunny days. Cold weather does mean at least one good thing is around the corner though-CHRISTMAS! The decorations are out. And I have my own baby tree. I’m happy Christmas isn’t any less hallmarked over here than in the US. I wouldn’t feel right without the corny Santa Claus statues springing up all over the house. I'm sure gonna miss my mom's delicious Christmas cookies though.

Off to make a cup of hot chocolate and watch Love Acually.

Ciao!

P.S. I'm still waiting for Spanish romance...does that even exist?

I really love her

No, I won't be afraid

Sometimes I just get this overwhelming feeling of how quickly my life is changing. Sometimes I wonder if this is all happening too soon. Am I really suppose to be here? Everything is so up and down, frustrating, raw, curious, intimidating and beautiful. Sometimes it’s all too much.


P.S. This really did make me laugh. Don't judge.

That's the way we get by

I really do find it strange how people’s moods seem to change with the weather. All of the sudden it’s rainy and cloudy and all of the sudden arguments and disagreements arouse. What are we going to do about this? Well I knew it was bound to happen, I just didn’t think it’d be quite this soon.

I honestly felt sick to my stomach with homesickness this weekend. It’s the first time I actually realized how very different my family here is compared to my family in California. I’m pretty lucky that back home I’m the 4th out of 4 children. Not to say all teenagers are the same, but to some degree my parents know what to expect from me and aren’t really surprised by my actions because they’ve seen a lot of the same things from 3 other children. Whereas here, I’m the oldest and my host parents have never had to raise 17 year old. Let me just share my favorite quote of the weekend from my host mom:

“No te quiero estar en las calles despues de la doce porque es cuando los chicos comienzan a fumar MARIJUANA y HASHISH y a beber ALCOHOL".

Oh you funny little Spanish lady.

Everything seems better now...although I don’t feel like anything got resolved. My host mom made amends by giving me her old Mickey Mouse shirt from Disneyland. She sure knows my weaknesses, I’ll give her that. I think I might buy her flowers tomorrow.

I miss my friends. Especially these two ladies.

Childhood livin' is easy to do

Oh what a lazy day. My host mama literally wouldn’t let me go to school because she thought I was sick. As of now, I appreciate her extreme thoughtfulness because it looks like a storm is brewing outside and I am damn happy to be curled up in bed eating my peanut butter with chocolate chips (homemade Reeses) and drinking my earl grey tea. Everything is happy and warm and delicious right now :)


Ten things you wish you could say to ten different people right now:
1) I’m not sure how I’m living without you right now. I don’t laugh nearly as much. You’re irreplaceable. Please take care of genuine lamb skin.
2) We both knew it wouldn’t work. I really do love you though.
3) You are straight BRED. Damn, if only I knew how to hit on you better in Spanish.
4) Our adventures have been kushdy ahaha. Madrid wouldn’t be the same without you.
5) You are the only person I can tell absolutely anything to. I can’t describe how much I miss just being around you. You really are the cheese to my macaroni.
6) You’re going to owe me like 3 straight weeks of massages when I come home. Miss your Spartan body ;)
7) You’re reppin’ Alborg too hard. Oh and why did you even come here?
8) You’re my favorite boy in the world. We’re both going to have amazing years.
9 )If you lose I’m seriously not going back to the United States.
10) I miss your cooking and having the comfort of knowing you’re nearby.

Nine things people should know about you:
1) I hope I never grow up too much.
2) I like my whiskey straight up.
3) Having 3 brothers has basically given me the personality of a boy.
4) Curiosity will eventually kill me.
5) My hands are freezing cold 85% of the time.
6) I’m not down with shoes/socks. Barefoot pawns.
7) Accents drive me whack.
8) Ganja.
9) I really don’t like fruit. Besides grapefruit and select berries.

Eight ways to win your heart:
1) I
2) am
3) not
4) that
5) picky
6) just:
7) Humor
8) & Romance

Seven awesome movies
1) The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King
2) Mulan
3) 300
4) The Royal Tenenbaums
5) Anchorman
6) Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle
7) Wayne’s World

Six things you do before you fall asleep:
1) Brush my teeth.
2) ...
3) ...
4) ...
5) ...
6) Fall asleep.

Five people who mean a lot:
1) My parents.
2) Whoever discovered how to make chocolate.
3) Funny stoners.
4) Skilled baristas.
5) Will Ferrel.

Four things you don't like
1) Extreme weather conditions.
2) Decaf.
3) Bad European techno.
4) Haters.

Three things you like:
1) The ocean.
2) Christmas.
3) My snooze button.

Two things you want to do before you die:
1) Canoodle with the Real Madrid goalie.
2) Become Nomadic.

One confession:
1) I'm incredibly fortunate and don't show my thankfulness nearly enough.